The Library That Saved My Life

I’ll never forget the way I was sitting on my bed last May in my underwear – left leg tucked, right leg straight, cookies and cream container stuck between my thighs –  when I first read  this excerpt from Geneen Roth’s When Food Is Love:

“From a journal entry, October 10, 1978. Today I ate:

1/3 package graham crackers (100 calories)

1 salad with dressing (300 calories)

1/8 lb. carob chips (200 calories)

1 cookie (75 calories)

1/4 lb. granola (300 calories)

4 tbsp. cashew butter (300 calories)

32 ounces apple juice (300 calories)

1/2 Wayfarer’s bread (250 calories)

5 tbsp. hummus (300 calories)

1 ice cream sandwich (400 calories)

1 apple (76 calories)

1 fudge bar (200 calories)

1 package brown rice crackers (200 calories)

1 tbsp. peanut butter (75 calories)

1/2 gallon vanilla ice cream (2000 calories)

DAY’S TOTAL CALORIES: 5176

October 11, 1978, 3 A.M.: I awaken with an image of myself slashing each organ in my body to pieces. With each strike I say, “Good. Again. Harder.” I want to destroy myself. I want to eat until I die. The pain seems so deserving. It is the only way I am comfortable. Not sleeping, eating uncontrollably, driving myself to the edge, this feels right. I want to get in my car and go to Albertson’s. 3 A.M. Bright lights. Eat ice cream. Be totally mad and fling myself into the ocean. Get rid of myself. I hate this creature that I am. Good. Again. Harder.”

When I read that, and realized that I was not the only one in the world that did such things – that ate like that, that hated myself at 3 A.M. like that, that wanted to go out and get more ice cream even after all that – I was overwhelmed with relief, and grief, and a sick happiness, and the daunting question of “well shit, now what?”

The only way to answer my question was to keep reading. And I never stopped. Over the past nine months I have read myself sane. I have read myself happy. I have read myself healthy. Not 100% sane, or 100% happy, and not even close to 100% healthy, but I’m a lot closer today than I was last May, covered in sticky ice cream and chocolate sprinkles.

Q5Ueq8W1bBRXSnpnx4pdvAumxBxG7tmPwADnht-ISQQ,qlZGwA-ZA40PWfYFTWWWxgdXOoiZs_QdB8j_BfPEwHc

My library is a compilation of used books, borrowed books, yard sale books, and Kindle purchases all based off of loving friends’ recommendations or my own random discoveries or even gifts from strangers who I met at the yoga retreat.

I want to share my personal library with you because you never know what might strike a chord with you. I’m currently going on a JOURNEY with Stasi Eldredge’s Captivating, thanks to my aunt who sent it to me for Christmas. Books are my therapy, dude, seriously. My life is constantly changing because of what I read and how I apply it to my life.

Just like people, no book is ever perfect. I’ve learned to take what I need and leave the rest. Sometimes, only one chapter applies to me at the time, and I know that at a later point, I’ll understand the rest of the book. I read Eat, Pray, Love when I was 23, and again when I was 25, and each time was extremely different. A lot can happen in two years. So I encourage you to check out these books now – and if they don’t speak to you, keep them on your list for the future.

One last thing – you’ll notice that each book is directly linked to Amazon.com where you can purchase it directly. I personally support used book stores and local business before I ever buy a book online, but sometimes, you see the description for a book and you’re just like, “I NEED TO READ THAT RIGHT NOW.”

The books listed below are not just for emotional eaters or for women who struggle with body image. There’s something here for everybody – the anxious, the depressed, the confused, the performer, the creator, the lover – or the friend of an anxious, depressed, confused, performer-creator-lover. You might find insight on people you love, even if it doesn’t relate to you. I want to help, inspire, and encourage you and your loved ones. I hope that what you find below suits your needs.

Ready? Here we go. My library, in the order that I read them this past year. Each bulletpoint includes the title with a link to Amazon, the author, and my description of the book or an excerpt from the book in italics (sometimes, the book needs to do the talking):

  • When Food Is Love by Geneen Roth: The excerpt that opened this blog post is from this book. This is the first book I read when I hit rock bottom.  It started my journey with Geneen Roth, whose books literally saved my life. It brought awareness to the way I use food as a drug, and the way I have used dating, addiction, and failure as distractions.
  • Breaking Free from Emotional Eating by Geneen Roth: “By the time I was twenty-eight I knew how many calories were in any food that was presented to me. I knew how to lose weight and how to gain weight. I knew how to maintain my weight. I knew how to diet and how to binge. But I didn’t know when I was hungry. More painful, I didn’t know it was okay to be hungry. No one ever told me, or if they did, I had forgotten that being hungry was natural. My body was the enemy.” I learned how to eat, when I’m hungry, and not feel completely consumed by diet, food, or compulsion from this book. This book is my bible – still, to this day.
  • Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth: “There are many ways to bolt. Walking out the door. Renting a helicopter. Distracting yourself from your pain by doing a thousand different things: thinking about something else, blaming your mother, blaming someone else, getting into a fight, comparing yourself to other people, dreaming about life in the future, recalling life in the past, never getting deeply involved. Eating. Spending your life trying to lose weight or figure it all out…Staying where you are with what you are feeling or seeing or sensing is the first step in ending the obsession with food. And although it seems as if ending the obsession is what we all want to do, we actually want to keep it more…Obsession gives you something to do besides having your heart shattered by heart-shattering events.”
  • How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie: I had no idea that the most simple acts of really remembering someone’s name and smiling in public could change my entire life. I can deal with anyone now – and I have truly become, a people person. I read this book right before I went to New Orleans last June and was hit on by every single attractive man I set my eyes on. Something about it must have worked, I’m telling you.
  • How To Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie: I have had anxiety my entire life. This common sense approach to overcome worry and anxiety has calmed me down and put everything in perspective. I constantly go back to it for gentle reminding that it’s all gonna be okay.
  • Mindful Recovery: A Spiritual Path to Healing from Addiction by Thomas and Beverly Bien: This book totally cleared my vision after reading all of Geneen Roth’s books. Once I battled the actual eating disorder, I could take a step back and look at the addiction part of my eating disorder. This book can help anyone who has ever used cigarettes, weed, alcohol, sex, drugs, or food to fill the void in the past. You don’t have to be a serious addict to appreciate the amazing help this book provides – it can shed light on things regardless of your past.
  • Return To Love by Marianne Williamson: This book completely overhauled my thinking in terms of what “love” is. There really aren’t enough words in the English language to define all the ways love affects us, but this book taught me to surrender what is out of my control and truly open myself up for the goodness that the universe provides. Ms. Williamson writes sort of like I do – very down to earth and honest, and I like that. She writes like a human – not a psychology professor.
  • The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz: My life is forever changed because of these four simple principles. If the entire world read this book, there wouldn’t be guilt, anger, insecurity, or confrontation. By reading this book, you are contributing to a better world. I also wrote out the four agreements in relation to the audition world – if you are a performer, or an artist, please read this book – or at least check out my recent blog post about it.
  • The Creative Habit: Learn It And Use It For Life by Twyla Tharp: Finding this in a used book store last month is the best thing that’s happened to me in 2014. Even if you are by no means in the creative or entertainment industry – this book is a must-read for a reminder that everyone is human, everyone struggles, and there are small ways to work through it and improve the way you find order and happiness in your daily life.
  • Feeding The Hungry Heart by Geneen Roth: I read this months after I read the first three Geneen Roth books and I wish I had read it first in a way. It’s concise, personal, and makes me feel completely not alone in this journey of mine. It’s a mix between Geneen’s advice and a compilation of different people who have dealt with emotional eating and eating disorders, telling their stories honestly and openly. I HIGHLY recommend reading this even if you aren’t an emotional eater – it will clue you into what some of your loved ones may be going through.
  • Becoming Myself by Stasi Eldredge: After doing months and months of reading on emotional and compulsive eating, sometimes you just need to read something else. My aunt sent me this book and I was skeptical because I don’t identify with Christianity – and Stasi Eldredge is a Christian-based author. However, I went on a JOURNEY with this book – every woman should read this and whoever you believe in, regardless if it’s God or Jesus or just good, old-fashioned love – you’ll find what you need in this book.
  • Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge: This book’s caption is “unveiling the mystery of a woman’s soul”. I’m three-quarters done with this book and I feel extremely vulnerable, but thank God. Again, this husband/wife team writes Christianity-based books, but I still identify with what this book is saying, regardless of my religion. I’m opening up and stepping back and looking at old wounds, old hurts, old battle scars, and really taking the time to accept them, process them, see how they’ve affected who I am today. This book is taking me into a journey of forgiveness, self-discovery, and self-trust.

These are the books that have profoundly shaped my past year. I quote them in my posts, on my vision boards, and in emails to friends. They are the best therapists I’ve ever known and none of them have ever asked to see my health insurance card.

I have to close with this quote that made me smile from ear to ear today while on my short plane ride from Maui to Kona:

“The word mother is more powerful when used as a verb than as a noun. All women are not mothers, but all women are called to mother. To mother is to nurture, to train, to educate, to rear…all women are uniquely gifted to help others in their lives become more of who they truly are – to encourage, nurture, and mother them toward their true selves. All women are called to mother. And all women are called to give birth. Women give birth to all kinds of things – to books (it’s nearly as hard as a child, believe me), to churches, to movements. Women give birth to ideas, to creative expressions, to ministries. A woman is not less of a woman because she is not a wife or has not physically borne a child…When we enter into our world and into the lives of those we love and offer our tender and strong feminine hearts, we cannot help but mother them.” –  John and Stasi Eldredge, Captivating

If you’re reading this and you aren’t married, and you don’t have kids (like me), I hope this makes you smile too. My Facebook newsfeed might be full of newborn babies and engagement announcements each morning, but reading a quote like that reminds me that we’re all on different paths, and mine is mine for a reason. I’d like to think that I gave birth to the Roar movement, or the masking tape movement – which is what I’ll eventually have to call it when Katy Perry’s lawyers finally catch wind – and I have always had a tendency to mother my nearest and dearest. And today, while reading, I had a beautiful moment of realizing, accepting, and loving that about myself.

I hope one or more of these books offers you the same sort of moments.

Aloha and happy reading!

STAY TUNED FRIDAY, MARCH 28TH FOR THE RELEASE OF ROAR 2! I’M SO EXCITED I’M SO EXCITED I’M SO EXCITED I’M SO EXCITED!

Advertisements

Finding Gratitude for all the Things That Got Me to Rock Bottom

Everyone keeps asking me what my aha moment was. To write this blog, to start living, to start healing, to re-surface.

I don’t believe that my “aha” moment was this big bolt of lightning that struck me on my way to Schmackary’s for my second red velvet cookie of the day. No one gave me the “aha” moment in a gift-wrapped bag. No quote on Pinterest inspired it.

It was sort of just, another little moment in time, just like the rest of my previous moments in time, that was way more profound than all the others.

Sometimes, your moments have to lead you to a very dark place before the next moment can come along and change everything.

And my God, have I had quite a variety of little moments that have added up over the years.

So I think I want to explain the timeline of my personal little moments, in hopes that it will inspire you to turn around and think about your own. I actually wrote this timeline on August 1st, 2013, on my six hour plane ride from Phoenix, Arizona to Honolulu, Hawaii. I have all sorts of documents on this computer of mine, meant for blog posts at a later date, and this one hasn’t seemed appropriate until now. Because, as I begin to retrace my own steps with my beloved Geneen Roth books, since I’ve been finding myself sneaking entire bags of mint milano cookies (Karen Walker’s favorite!) during momentary setbacks this week, I feel that now is the best time to share what got me to this point.

I hope that this week’s post helps those who are looking for answers, or looking for someone to relate to. And if you yourself don’t need this help, I hope it invokes empathy in you for someone you love who may be stuggling with similar timeline events to mine. As unbelievably therapeutic, and occasionally hilarious this was for me to write, I encourage you, my strong, courageous, ferocious readers, to consider doing the same for yourself. It’s okay to embrace our funny and sad and ironic and amazing pasts so that we can learn from them, find gratitude for them, and then look to the future with hope. Because remember, my friends: all the little moments, the teeniest, tiniest of moments, have added up in their own unique ways to get all of us to right here, where we are right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, a story.

Once upon a time and all that jazz, sometime around the age of 18, a girl found herself in a land called Rock Bottom. Girl has never been quite sure how she got there, but all of a sudden, it was her new home. A home that she didn’t feel at home in.

Girl had freckles, blue eyes, unmanageable curly hair, and a tiny indent of a scar on the very tip of her nose from a chicken pox scab that she scratched when she was 4. She started dancing when she was three years old, around the time that she learned how to sing “Ten Little Angels” in church. She grew up riding forewheelers and horses in Pennsylvania. She always loved the winter because it meant hot chocolate and sledding on huge hills on her grandfather’s farm with her cousins.

Through many series of events, girl came to love food. The comfort of it. The memories it could bring back to life. The holes that it filled during times of confusion, loneliness, insecurity, emptiness.

Without her realizing it, a lot of moments in Girl’s life led her to her new home in Rock Bottom. Some of it was growing up in a dance studio, comparing herself to the other prettier, skinnier, more talented girls in full length mirrors every day. Some of it was being a band nerd instead of a cheerleader. Some of it was dating a gay man who didn’t know he was gay. Some of it was just part of growing up.

When Girl arrived in Rock Bottom, she knew that it was a place she wanted to leave immediately. So for the next six years, she came and went a lot. No really, like, a lot.

First, she went to college. For musical theatre. Some might say that was the first mistake. Looking back, it really was just all part of the journey.

She left Rock Bottom with a suitcase packed with t-shirts from every show she ever did, Abercrombie & Fitch tank tops that were too tight and too short in the stomach, pink tips at the bottom of her waist-length hair, and a broken heart. Not only did she get rejected from NYU’s Cap21 Musical Theatre program, she was dumped by her high school boyfriend that you met in Blog Post 5. So she arrived in Winchester, Virginia at Shenandoah University in August 2005, where she hung her dance pictures (aka cut-outs from ballet calendars, thank you for your time) on her closet door and decked out her entire side of the dorm room in Little Mermaid garb. Basically, Girl was nailing it. In every way.

While at Shenandoah, she discovered she couldn’t sing well enough to be in the fall musical, Sweeney Todd. So, she decided that the spring musical – the tap-dancing, showgirl-packed The Will Roger’s Follies – would definitely be where she would get her chance to shine.

Too bad there were five months in there to steal pie from the dessert bar in the cafeteria. Too bad there were no parents around to tell her not to eat peanut butter out of the jar. Too bad she discovered her tolerance for Natty Light straight from the keg.

Too bad that by the time auditions for The Will Roger’s Follies rolled around, she weighed 189 pounds. Showgirls do not weigh 189 pounds. Girl did not get a chance to shine once while at Shenandoah. Too bad, so sad.

Somewhere in there she talked to her friend Christine from high school and found out about AMDA – The American Musical and Dramatic Academy. It was a two year musical theatre program in New York City. It was her ticket out of Virginia. And after all, she really only ever wanted to be in New York City. This was it. It felt right.

So, after just one year, she left her friends and her chance at a four-year college experience at Shenandoah behind.

Just want to throw in there the near-death car accident Girl had on July 8th, 2006 which made her immobile for most of the summer before her transfer to AMDA – helping her maintain the 189 pounds with flying colors.

Girl moved to New York City in October of 2006. AMDA happened. It was great, at the time, for what it was. Are there things that could have been better? Absolutely. Were there teachers who promoted staying fit in order to make it in the business? Yes. Did Girl take those teachers seriously? Yes. Could Girl control her binge-eating, knowing that if she could stop binging she had a better chance at being cast? She tried. She really tried you guys. But no.

At this point, Girl had done Weight Watchers twice – once after her car accident and once during her second semester at AMDA in 2007. Full out, no marking, Weight Watchers program. Tracking points, losing 25 pounds, keeping it off for a hot minute, and binging it back on in a matter of days.

Girl was struggling. Trying. Trying. Boy, did that bitch try to keep that weight off.

Graduation came. There Girl was. Freshly 21. Freshly graduated. Freshly clueless. In New York City.

Over the next few years, she made frequent trips back to Rock Bottom but always left as soon as she had the chance. She was given a lot of opportunity to run away from Rock Bottom and she always, ALWAYS, took the opportunity. But she also, always returned to it. She was always so unclear on how she got there to start with, but at some point, it just became her permanent home base.

Life after AMDA looked like this:

May 25th, 2008: Girl graduates from AMDA. 160 pounds. This is fifteen pounds heavier than she was two months before when she auditioned for her senior showcase.

May 26th, 2008: Girl says good-bye to her best girlfriend from AMDA who goes home to New Jersey for the summer…and stays there.

May 27th, 2008: Girl starts bartending at Broadway theatres for survival job. Pounds are being gained.

July 2008: Girl and fellow AMDA alumni start talking about doing an all AMDA-alum production in the city.

August 2008: Girl gets drunk and meets the chef from Peru, who we shall call, The Little One, who strung her along for a year and a half.

September 2008: Girl starts working at Jake’s Dilemma, a frat-boy bar on the Upper West Side of NYC. Girl continues going home with The Little One after working all night. She also starts rehearsals for the AMDA-alum production. Pounds are being gained. Cigarettes are being smoked. Beer is becoming a staple.

October 2008: Girl, age 21 at this point, produces and choreographs Lucky Stiff in Times Square, and forms a non-profit theatre company while cocktail waitressing and trying not to piss off every friend she’s ever made with her insane mood swings and binge-drinking. What the fuck? Too much stress. Too much stress.

November 2008: Girl starts guest bartending at McFadden’s (Douchebag Central, 42nd Street and 2nd) and Turtle Bay (Douchbag Central Overflow, 51st and 2nd).

January 2009: Girl starts working at Equinox Fitness at the spa in order to get a free gym membership. 170 pounds.

Sometime in 2009: Girl’s only female cousin gets engaged.

Sometime in 2009: Girl realizes she has to sing in front of people in a bridesmaid dress. Girl gets a personal trainer through Equinox. Girl drinks a lot of Carnation Instant Breakfast and eats a lot of tomatoes with salt and pepper.

June 2009: Girl gets a sweet job working at Poco, a new restaurant downtown in the east village. Spanish tapas. Sweet, specialty cocktails. Pounds are gained.

August 2009: Girl is making so much money as a waitress and bartender. Auditions? What auditions?

Labor Day Weekend 2009: The Little One fucks up royally and girl finally cuts him out of her life before heading to New Jersey to visit previously mentioned girlfriend who was bestie at AMDA.

Labor Day Weekend 2009 continued: While visiting best girlfriend in New Jersey, Girl sleeps with the man she will proceed to date for the next two and a half years. His name in this blog is New Jersey. I know. The cleverness.

October 2009: Girl continues working at Poco. New Jersey comes to visit a few weekends and between that and a lot of phone dates they decide they are official. Cousin’s wedding comes and goes. 160 pounds. The thinnest Girl has been since March of 2008.

October 31st, 2009: New Jersey tells Girl he loves her.

Thanksgiving, 2009: New Jersey meets Girl’s family for the first time.

January 1st, 2010: Girl starts Weight Watchers for the third time.

Audition season, 2010: Girl gets called back for everything she auditions for. She is still working with personal trainer. She gives up her mild attempt at following Weight Watchers and just eats 1100 calories a day. And a lot of Splenda. She weighs 148 pounds and she is ripped.

May 2010, right before Girl’s mother’s birthday: Girl books her first professional gig at an Equity theatre. Damn Yankees. Happy birthday, Mom.

Night after booking first professional job: Girl starts a two week binge period that takes her weight from 148 to 157 in mere days.

June 2010: Girl goes to get measurements done for her Damn Yankees costumes. She tells the girls (who are dear, dear friends now) that she has just returned from vacation and they should take an inch off of all the measurements because she never weighs this much. Girl was lying.

July 2010: Girl starts rehearsals for Damn Yankees AND moves apartments during tech. Strong life choices.

August 2010: Girl closes Damn Yankees and goes to live with New Jersey for a month while doing next professional job – Anything Goes. She arrives for the first day of rehearsal 15 pounds heavier than when she auditioned. New Jersey does not ever want to have sex.

October 2010: Girl is sitting on the couch eating a pint of blueberry ice cream and gets a call that she booked Mame in Florida.

November 2010: Girl finds out New Jersey has a porn addiction. Girl drinks a lot of alcohol and looks at herself in the mirror naked a lot.

December 2010: Girl goes to Florida. Rehearses for Mame. Keeps porn addicted boyfriend a secret until halfway through the contract. Meets some of her best friends in life.

February 2011: Girl returns to New York from Florida.

March 2011: Girl goes to upstate New York to play Fraulein Kost in Cabaret. Costume designer is disgusted by how curvy all the women in the show are. Costume designer makes sarcastic comments about the size of corset all the Kit Kat girls need.

May 2011: Girl returns to same theatre to dance captain Crazy For You. Cheats on New Jersey. Dates new guy from contract. Weighs 170 pounds.

June 2011: Girl breaks things off with new guy. Girl is a total asshole about the breaking off. Girl is confused. Girl is fat. Girl can’t book any jobs because she is fat and she is a dancer and there are no fat dancers in 42nd Street.

July 2011: Girl starts talking to New Jersey again.

August 2011: Girl bartends the US Open. So. Much. Grey Goose.

September 11th, 2011: Girl moves to New Jersey to be with New Jersey for three months. Understudies a role at a theatre near his house for Equity points.

September 29th, 2011: Girl starts Weight Watchers for the 4th and final time.

December 6th, 2011: Girl gets new headshots at 155 pounds.

January 1st, 2012: Girl and New Jersey break up. For the last time. It’s really over.

February, 2012: Girl is nailing it and weighs in at Weight Watchers at 143 pounds. Girl is doing an off-Broadway show. Forty-eight of Girl’s friends come to see the show. A rich guy starts courting Girl and turns her life around, or so it seems, for two months. Life is good.

February 19th, 2012, 1pm: Girl receives an offer for How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying in Hilton Head, SC.

February 19th, 2012, 10pm: Girl starts a two week binge that just, never ends, that gets her up to 150 pounds by the time she leaves for Hilton Head on April 2nd.

April 2nd, 2012: Girl goes to Hilton Head at 152 pounds. Battles a ten pound window for most of the contract. Living with boys doesn’t help.

Two hours before invited dress rehearsal on April 24th: Rich dude tells Girl he’s not in love with her and cuts all contact. Fries are ordered. Ice cream is inhaled.

Beginning of May, 2012: Girl finds out she booked another contract, George M!, immediately following this current one. Only thing is, she auditioned for it at 12 pounds lighter than she is now. Now what?

May 22nd, 2012: Girl cuts out sugar, carbs, and alcohol for the last week of her Hilton Head contract in order to drop weight quickly for her next contract.

May 28th, 2012: Girl starts rehearsals for George M! and tries not to let anyone see her eat. Ever.

Sometime in May, 2012: Girl starts sleeping with a man who is in a relationship.

July 1st, 2012: Contract ends. Girl orders Bareburger delivery a lot. Continues sleeping with taken man. Gains back all weight she lost during contract.

August 15th, 2012: Girl meets Stallion. The man who will distract her from her depression, binging, and anxiety for the next 8 months.

August 15th, 2012 – March 12th, 2013: Life happens. But Stallion is in it. Life is like, kind of good. Girl choreographs two shows. Does Les Miserables in Illinois. Eats ice cream out of half gallon containers with Stallion.

March 12th – March 22nd, 2013: Stallion says he needs a break. Girl doesn’t eat. Girl wants to look fierce when they have the final “talk”.

March 22nd, 2013: Stallion admits to being depressed and emotionally unavailable. Girl looks fierce though. 150 pounds. The relationship ends.

March 28th, 2013: Girl’s birthday. Single. Unemployed. Many croissants are eaten.

April 2013: Out of all the callbacks Girl has in 2013, nada one works out.

April 14th, 2013: Girl looks great. Hasn’t been eating carbs or sugar. Goes to pick up things she left at Stallion’s house.

April 15th, 2013: The worst of the binging over the years begins.

Beginning of May 2013: Girl returns to Rock Bottom. And stays. Lays there in her gray little bed. Looking at her gray little ceiling. Pretzel crumbs on one side. A Yeungling bottle on the nightstand. Many a “not feeling well, can’t make it to your party/thing/birthday/lunch/housewarming tonight” text is sent.

May 9th, 2013: Girl goes to see her friend, Rachel. Rachel gives her two books, including Geneen Roth’s When Food Is Love.

May 10th, 2013: Girl goes home for Mother’s Day and brother’s graduation from college. Brother graduates with a degree in Landscape Architecture. Girl feels really great about her Associate’s Degree in Musical Theatre.

May 12th, 2013 at 1pm: Girl starts reading When Food Is Love on a bus back to New York City after brother’s graduation.

May 12th, 2013 at 5pm: Life is changed forever.

The story doesn’t end there. The story, this story, my story that you read every week, actually started there. A new, difficult, eye-opening story began there. Somewhere between May 12th, 2013 and May 31st, 2013, it all started happening. The calling Renfrew Center and the eating disorder diagnosis, the taking it all in and accepting and sharing of the news with friends and family, some friends being weird about it – some friends being awesome about it – some friends only finding out months later via the blog, the application and the acceptance to volunteer in Hawaii, and, the decision to share it all on the internet, with you.

I’ve had so many moments that have led me to my “aha” moment that are not the obvious. I listed pretty many of them for you.

I’d say, that there wouldn’t have been an “aha” moment without all the little moments leading up to Rachel handing me that book. I had to really be in a place where I couldn’t stand on my own two feet anymore in order for that book to speak to me.

When I opened that book, and realized that all these years, my binging was not a personal flaw, everything changed. I was using food as a drug and I had no idea. I always thought I was just really weak and had no self control and just didn’t want to be on Broadway bad enough to give up ice cream cake forever.

Sometimes, your “aha” moment will come when you least expect it. In Weight Watchers meetings, ironically enough, they ask new members what their “aha” moment was. Some ladies say it was seeing a picture at their son’s high school graduation and seeing how wide their hips were. Some say it was when they found themselves binging on their kid’s after school snacks while making dinner for the family. Some say that their doctor told them they needed to lose weight or face serious health issues for the rest of their lives.

I guess I didn’t realize that all these years, I didn’t have to be doing Weight Watchers to have an “aha” moment. Because this “aha” moment for me, in May of 2013, was the most important of them all, and it took place on a dirty bus on a Sunday afternoon coming into Port Authority after a weekend at home in PA.

I just want to say, that I think that it’s okay for us to embrace every little moment, no matter how small and trivial, with love and acceptance. Because all of those small moments make up our life. They are what makes each of our journeys unique to us. And without the shitty moments, the great moments wouldn’t stand out so much, don’t you agree?

I don’t really know what I’m doing. One day I want to choreograph, one day I want to write music, one day I want to keep Nutella in the house, one day I’m terrified of walking down the grocery aisle that even holds the Nutella, one day I want to be a vegan, one day I want to move back to New York even though there’s two feet of snow, one day I want to open a theatre in Hawaii. I am constantly changing my mind. I cry a lot. I laugh a lot. I drink too much coffee. I confuse my boyfriend constantly. But if I look back at my past, which half of my self-help books completely ban, I am reminded that I’ve had a lot of moments where I’ve changed my mind or I’ve been utterly confused. Where I’ve drank too much and where I’ve made, ahem, interesting, decisions. But I’ve still landed on my feet.

I might be 178 pounds at the moment. I might not be a showgirl at the moment. But I’m learning from my mistakes, and I’m recording them so I can look back on them when I need reminding. I’m alive and breathing. I can stop at one beer. I can keep chocolate chips in the house for over two months. And at 26, approaching 27, after a year of frightening health scares and depressive periods that scared my nearest and dearest, I’m thankful to be here – not just surviving – but learning, growing, living, loving, crying, laughing, and recovering, one day at a time.

May your personal timeline reveal to you what you need to see, learn, or revisit at this moment in your life. May your personal journal entries and recorded moments inspire you to embrace your mistakes and your successes, your gains and your losses, your failures and your lessons. I said it once, I said it twice, I’ll say it again and again – we all have our shit, dude, and that’s why we have to keep spreading the love to each other. We’re not alone. We’re all in this together, and we got this.

Peace, love, and aloha.

aha-moment