Dating a Woman with an Eating Disorder – What I’ve Learned

So last week, I wrote about Johnny.

This week, he wrote about me. He even came up with this week’s title. Ladies and gents, a guest blog post from the man I’m dating, Johnny Burkhart.

Beauty & The Beast

What It’s Like To Date A Woman Recovering From An Eating Disorder

When Amanda asked me to write a guest blog, I was hesitant to say the least. Could I really be honest about what it’s like to date a woman with a binge eating disorder and would she still love me afterwards? I pray that the latter part is true.

Another reason I was hesitant was because she wanted me to respond to an article entitled 5 Reasons To Date A Girl With An Eating Disorder written by an anonymous guy on the misogynistic website “Return of Kings”. The author of the article, who writes under an alias (ahem, coward), claims to “specialize in dating culture and social intelligence”. Before I read the article, I glanced at the comments below it which were strewn with hate for this anonymous guy and disgust for the article. Alrighty then, this oughta be great. After I read the actual article, I realized this guy had no idea what he was talking about. The article did not contain any intelligence, but was possibly his attempt at humor? One can only hope.

Apparently any idiot can spew out a bunch of nonsense and have it posted on the internet. So why shouldn’t I give it a shot?

This post is in no way a response to that article, and if you have any sense at all, you will totally ignore that article and not give it any more energy than it has already received. What I have written below is simply my experience dating Amanda and is not a blanket statement about what it’s like to date women with eating disorders or specifically binge eating disorders.

Honestly Though! – One of the things that most attracted me to Amanda was her honesty. I don’t think we would be together today if it weren’t for her brutal honesty. I read her blog before we ever went on our first date, so I knew what kind of craziness I was signing up for. I was in awe of how honest she was in her blog, and even face to face with people. It’s truly inspiring and sometimes a little scary, especially when she writes about me in her blog.

Something that came to me after reading her blog was that I had grown up with a binge eater. I had never called it that or thought of it in the terms she puts it in, but my mother was/is a binge eater. I watched her slowly put on the pounds as I grew up and saw the toll that it took on her body. She is now in recovery for it and working on getting healthier which I am incredibly proud of her for.

This realization caught me off guard, and I was afraid that if Amanda found out, she wouldn’t want to date me. I was afraid that she might think that I was trying to heal some old shit with my mother – which could be true, let’s face it – and that she wouldn’t want any part of it. I mean, we did meet when we were at a retreat center where she came to do some major healing around her ED. But I knew that honesty was the only course of action here, so I told her.

Honesty plays a big role in our relationship today and it has to. It has to go both ways. We have to be honest with each other. That could be said for any relationship really, but when you’re dating a binge eater that is especially true. Even when it’s hard and I feel that pit in the bottom of my stomach, no pun intended, I know that I have to be honest with Amanda. So bear with me as I get real honest about some shit here.

Shame vs. Accountability “You ate all the cookies?!!”  – When we first started dating, Amanda told me that I couldn’t say “anything” to her about her food decisions. I understand that shame plays a big role with women who have ED’s, I get it! But there’s a fine line between shame and accountability when you date/live with a woman who is a binge eater.

There are times when I bite my tongue because I don’t want risk her feeling shamed by me. Look, I don’t want to sound like her mother or anything. But we do share food and expenses, so there does need to be some form of accountability for what we consume. So when I ask where all the Fudge Mint Cookies are, I am not trying to shame her. I just want some fucking cookies!

I have learned to know when to pick my battles. Sometimes you can’t win, no matter what, you just can’t! When she does eat all the cookies, I know better than to say “why did you eat all the cookies, what were you thinking?” That would be shaming. I have also learned that if she buys cupcakes and there’s only one left, I better not eat it without asking her first or there will be hell to pay.

Now, when she asks if we can go get some ice cream, I know better than to say to her, “Really? Ice cream? Is that such a great choice right now?” I either say “Yeah, let’s go get some ice cream”, or “No thanks.” It can be that simple. I know better than to try and play her mom and monitor her food choices – I think that’s part of the reason we’re in this whole mess in the first place. That’s not my job nor do I ever want that job. My job is to love her no matter what her food choices are that day or that moment and to try to encourage her to be the best she can be.

The Emotional Roller Coaster Ride – They say that women are ruled by their emotions, and having an eating disorder just adds to that equation. Dating a woman with an ED can be quite the emotional roller coaster. The ups and downs, good decisions followed by bad decisions, craziness and uncertainty make for some interesting times.

There are days when she feels good about herself and she makes good decisions. She’s confident and it seems nothing can get in her way. Those are the days when she loves me and I can do nothing wrong, she’s supportive and nonjudgmental. Even if I say the wrong thing to her she can just laugh it off.

Then there are the days when she doesn’t want to get out of bed, let alone get dressed. She makes unhealthy decisions, like eating cake just before going to sleep. She has zero confidence in herself or what she’s doing in life. Those are the days when if I make the slightest comment about anything she wants to kill me and I would rather be anywhere else but by her side. Thankfully there are less of these days and more of the good days or I might have to reconsider the situation.

Amanda is one of the most ambitious and positive people I have ever met or had the pleasure of being in a relationship with. But when she has bad days, there’s not much I can say or do to bring her out of it. As much as possible, I try and let her find her own solutions to things and encourage her to look inside at what’s really going on. I know from experience that people need to really sit in their shit and feel it before they are ready to come out of it.

The same fire that fuels her passion for dance and performing is also at the heart of her addiction in some way.

“It is a beast, this thing that stirs in the core of her being, but it is also the star of her innermost nature. We have to care for this suffering with extreme reverence so that, in our fear and anger at the beast, we do not overlook the star.” – Thomas Moore, Care of the Soul

Body Image & Sex – When I was 19 years old, I told my live-in girlfriend that if she got fat that I would leave her. OK, OK, put down your weapons ladies! That was a long time ago and I have learned to be more compassionate. I’d also like to think I’ve gotten a lot smarter about how to talk to women. Key word, “think”.

Many years later, I find myself in a relationship with a woman whose weight has slowly but steadily increased since we began dating. Now I would never say anything to her about this because it really doesn’t matter to me anymore. I find her just as sexy and attractive as when we first began dating.

Sexy to me isn’t about being rail thin or starving yourself or working out 8 hours a day. Sexy to me is about how you carry yourself, the love that you share with others and being emotionally present. Amanda has that; I mean did you see her Roar performance? This woman has got that attitude and drive that just does it for me and it doesn’t matter what the number on the scale says.

Amanda has asked me before if I think she is fat or has gained weight but I don’t take the bait. I’m not going to stand over her shoulder as she steps on the scale either. It’s not my job or place to say if she’s gained weight or needs to lose a few pounds. Again, my job is to love her just the way she is, fat, thin, clear skin, or broken out.

I’m not saying it’s always easy because it’s not. Having sex with someone who just engulfed a bowl of vanilla ice cream covered in chocolate chips doesn’t exactly do it for me. Then there’s the days she wants to make out in the morning with a huge whitehead on her upper lip from binging on chocolate the night before. “Um… hey babe maybe you uh… can you take care of that before we uh… um I mean have you uh… oh boy!” Thankfully those times are the exceptions and not the rule.

The “D” Word – Recently Amanda asked me if I would be willing to do an Intolerance Test with her. Not sure what she was talking about I asked her to explain what that meant. She proceeded to tell me how you weren’t allowed to have any gluten, dairy, corn, sugar, bread, processed foods, or bananas for 3 weeks. Oh, and no eating out at restaurants either, my personal favorite. “Well,” I said, “as fun as that sounds, I don’t really like doing Diets!”. Then the earth actually stopped spinning for a few seconds and she said “IT’S NOT A DIET! It’s an intolerance test don’t call it a Diet!” Yep, I actually said the “D” word to a binger, my bad.

Not realizing what the “D” word meant to someone with an eating disorder, I had some back peddling to do here. I proceeded to tell her that I would help support her in any way I could without actually doing the intolerance test with her the whole time. I’m willing to try some new recipes and things but giving all that up for 3 weeks basically amounted to torture to me. I’m of the philosophy of everything in moderation.

Amanda used to tell me about her experiences with trying to cut out sugar and desserts and how that would just lead to more bingeing. So I wasn’t so gung ho about this intolerance test to begin with. She would always say that it’s better to have some of her favorite foods around just in case the cravings came on and she could try and hit them off at the pass before full bingeing mode kicked in.

So a few days later she started her “intolerance test” and the fun began. I really should have seen it coming. It hit me like that magical visit from Aunt Flo each month. When you take away sugar and all the deliciousness of most foods away from a binger, it’s not a pretty picture at first. Luckily that only lasted a couple days.

I was surprised that she even wanted to try it, given her history of trying food restriction, and I was honestly skeptical of the whole thing. She eventually settled into it though and seems to be hitting her stride now. She really is handling it amazingly well. It speaks volumes for her recovery that she is able to stick with it, and I am so proud of her for that.

So #Blessed – One of our closest friends, John Reardon, was the catalyst for our relationship. He is always saying to me how blessed Amanda is to have me in her life. I can literally feel Amanda’s eyes roll back in her skull and cringe every time he says this or texts it to me. But like, it’s true. Some of you know or have experienced what it’s like to be in a relationship where you don’t feel supported by the other person OR their behavior just seems to trigger you into doing things you shouldn’t. When you find the “right” person, they should lift you up and encourage you, not trigger your bad habits and addictions. I think, (again, key word, “think”), that I lift Amanda up instead of triggering her, and that’s why John always says how blessed she is to have me in her life.

I am also so blessed to have Amanda in my life. Her love and enthusiasm for life are infectious and I am so inspired by her. So much so, that I agreed to learn a duet tap dance with her for the May recital with the dance studio she’s teaching at – in front of an actual audience. I have mixed feelings about this decision, but it’s all happening now, so I’m just gonna go with it. I was also inspired by her to write this post and put it out there to you all. All of her passion and love for life make all of the craziness of her ED seem so insignificant.

“The uniqueness of a person is made up of the insane and twisted as much as it is of the rational and normal.” Thomas Moore, Care of the Soul

You see, Amanda and I are both a little twisted and insane, but in a way that supports each other. And for that, we are both so blessed.

Seriously Though! – Dating a woman who is recovering from an eating disorder isn’t as scary as it might seem. As I started out saying here, the key is really all about honesty. Like Amanda always says, “everyone has their shit” that they are dealing with – some more than others. But if you’re honest about your shit, it makes all the difference in the world. Hiding your shit really only makes things worse in the end.

So ladies and gents, if you think that hiding an eating disorder or an addiction from the person you are dating is a good thing, or the safe thing, I want you to reconsider. I strongly encourage you to share your shit with your partner. It may help explain some of the crazy shit you do from time to time. I know that if I didn’t know what Amanda was dealing with, I would have been out the door a long time ago. Knowing what she’s going through allows me to be more compassionate with her when she’s acting like a crazy bitch. Seriously though!

I don’t try and heal Amanda. That’s not the intention here. You are honest not so your partner can help fix you, but to bear witness to what you are going through. I’ve dated, and was even married, to women who were a closed book and would never reveal what was really going on, not even to a therapist. They carried a lot of extra baggage around to basically try and save some face. It eventually catches up to all of us at some point. I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m thankful everyday for Amanda’s honesty – even when things are rough between us – because it’s the foundation of our relationship and the reason our love is so strong to this day.

Let me just remind you – like I remind Amanda often – of the second agreement of The Four Agreements: Don’t make assumptions. You cannot assume what your friends or your significant other will think if you open up to them about your issues. Never assume. And if you open up to them, and they make an ass out of you, then seriously though, they are NOT worth your time.

Well, I think I covered all the ground I wanted to here. I’ve been trying to come up with a good way to close this all up, but I’m a little stuck, so I’m just gonna let Bob Marley do the talking.

bobmarley

Lots of aloha from Hawaii,

Johnny

Next Week’s Posting:

I’m not sure but I’m sure Amanda has something good to say

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Advice for Actors: The Four Audition Agreements

If you’ve read my posts before, you’ll know that I have a very intimate relationship with self-help books. I’ve never been able to afford therapy, and I truly believe that certain books saved my life this past year.

I believe that the official book for anyone who ever auditions, should be The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Please buy it (clicking on the title takes you right to Amazon), check it out of the library, steal it from a friend, read over someone’s shoulder, please. Please read it. It will change your life – not just auditionwise and careerwise, but it will change your entire life. Randy Skinner used to talk about it, but it wasn’t until Johnny forced me to get it (or else), that I picked it up.

The agreements are simple: Be impeccable with your word, don’t take anything personally, don’t make assumptions, and always do your best. Mr. Ruiz writes in simple text, that sometimes makes me feel like a child, but I don’t mind at all. I like that he breaks down the crucial information into easy reading and eye-opening sentences that I can comprehend.

This week, in a continuation with my promise to make February about audition preparation and coming together as a performing ohana across the miles, I tweaked all four of the agreements to fit the life of a performer. There’s even a bonus for you at the end.

The First Agreement

Don Miguel Ruiz says: Be impeccable with your word.

Trusty says: Just be honest.

I know that it’s extremely hard to follow through with everything we say during audition season. We sure do plan on getting up every day at five to get to the gym by six to get to the EPA by eight so we can do three different calls today before work at four. And there is nothing wrong with ambitious plans. But sometimes, we’re just pooped. Or sick. Or PMSing. Or whatever. So I think that we have to twist the first agreement a little bit to fit the actor life, just this once. We would love to follow through with this daily plan. We make ambitious plans in hopes that one or two of them come to fruition. But the more we beat ourselves up about not keeping every plan we make, the worse the gray cloud around us becomes, and we can throw ourselves into a personal guilt trip that spirals so far out of control we are just staying home every day to eat the cookies and cream for breakfast. No? Just me? Okay. Well, hopefully you get my drift.

My suggestion? Let’s just be honest with ourselves this year. As actors who sometimes audition for jobs more than we work jobs, we are constantly coming up with different tactics to deal with rejection. “They were only keeping tall girls.” “They only wanted Asian guys.” “The accompanist played my song way too slow.” Sometimes, this stuff is true. But sometimes, if we step back, these things are merely ego padding to keep us going. And that’s okay. It’s so okay. My suggestion is to be honest with ourselves in every other aspect of our life, so that there’s as much truth-facing as possible to keep us sane. Are we really being ourselves in our relationships? Are we lying to our mothers that we had a callback when we really don’t just to keep her from asking what’s happening every day? Are we eating our feelings because we’re so busy trying not to eat at all? Those three questions lie closest to my personal life, so they’re the first three I thought of, but there are more. I was myself in my relationship with Stallion last year unless I had to cry, I had to poop, or I was sober. I’ve lied to my mother a whoooole lot over the years. And the third question about food, well, c’mon, have you read the catch line for the blog? So in the midst of all these white lies and exaggerations we share on our OkCupid dates and our family visits during the holidays, let’s just observe what’s coming out of our mouths, and try to bring it back to honesty. The closest thing to honesty that we can get. And it’s not always gonna work. But like the fourth agreement says, just do your best, right?

That serious problem we’re ignoring, or the general assholery of people we date, or our love/hate relationship with Cheetoh’s whenever we have a bad day, is something to be observed rather than ignored, noticed rather than pushed away. It’s hard. It sucks. It like, totally sucks. But it leads to a better you. A more real you. An honest you, who you can fall in love with. And all of this personal growth that might come from more honesty, might also carry over into our artistic work. Our writing, our singing, our acting, our performing, our general persona when we walk into a room. We will find our authenticity through our honesty, and it will reflect in every aspect of our life. After all, aren’t we always being asked to bring authenticity to the characters we play? Authenticity starts with you. You at your very core. What makes you you, is fucking awesome. And the more honest you are, even when times get tough, the closer you come to staying true to who you awesomely are. It’s worth a try, no?

The Second Agreement

Don Miguel Ruiz says: Don’t take anything personally.

 Trusty says: Ditto.

I’m not going to preach on taking rejection personally. Your mom preached it to you, your college professors preached it to you, your dance teachers and your roommates and anyone you’ve ever taken a master class with has preached it to you. Don’t take rejection personally. Easier said than done, but at least you’ve heard it before.

I want to talk about the question we all hate the most. The awful, the dreaded, the “what are you up to?” Listen. We have to stop taking “what are you up to” so personally. It’s a question. It’s a thing. Instead of hating whatever mouth it comes out of, let’s figure out some tactics for dealing.

First of all, the “what are you up to” is not a personal attack, 98% of the time. There are always the malicious ladies who I see every season who love to ask the question and get my blood pumping, but even then, it’s not about me. It’s about them. They have their own shit to figure out. I can’t take that personally.

“What are you up to” has caused many, many interesting answers to come out of my mouth before I had time to think about them (hence, my paragraph on honesty above.) I’m sure you can relate with your own stories and your own exaggerations, and I’ll give you a moment of silence to reflect with me about what we do to save ourselves from looking like we are jobless, starving artists who have to bartend at 5pm tonight. And seriously, is that really so, so, so bad? Cut yourselves a break. Seriously.

Ways to deal:

If an acquaintance, or a casting director asks you “what are you up to”: Kate Galvin, who used to cast shows for the Walnut Street Theatre in Philadelphia, gave me one of the most excellent pieces of advice I’d ever heard back in 2011. She said that people in that room just want to see if you’re a real person. Instead of stuttering over what job or what callback is going to make you look like “the shit”, just be honest. Answer the question by telling them about your sister’s new baby, or the wedding you just went to in New Orleans, or your yoga teacher training, or how you just moved to Brooklyn and you don’t own enough fake glasses to fit in. Tell them anything honest, anything about you, anything that could be funny, or interesting, or a conversation-starter. People love to compare stories – who knows where your answer might lead you with that choreographer who was just in New Orleans for a wedding as well. You don’t have to tell them about how you just closed Les Mis (four months ago) and how you’re in callbacks for Chicago (well, you got seen at the EPA, so). Don’t feel drilled. Don’t feel put on the spot. Just be yourself. Just show them you’re a real person who lives life outside of your career (even if it feels like most of the time, you don’t.)

If a family member asks you “what are you up to”, or better yet, “have you been on the Broadway yet?”: I know it’s hard. I know it’s hard to breathe, and try to empathize with your grandmother’s lack of understanding for your performing pursuit, but try to remember, she is not out to get you. She is not out to tell you you’re stupid for doing what you’re doing, or tell you to get a real job, or whatever. I mean, maybe she is, but I know that mine is not. My grandma, and my aunts and uncles and cousins and high school friends honest-to-God just have no idea what auditioning and performing really means. If you can, forgive said family member for making you feel like you’re doing nothing with your life, and answer with this: “I’ve made a lot of promising contacts this year, and in my business, who you know is just as important as what you know, and I’m really looking forward to continue my networking while I audition.”  This will cause 90% of said family members to start talking about how politics are everything in this world, and Sue, their manager, just got promoted because her husband plays golf with some higher-up’s brother, and can you believe this Obamacare stuff and also, they saw Sue’s husband the other day at the grocery store and he looks like he’s gained weight. I mean, I’m not guaranteeing anything but people love to talk about themselves and if you open a door – like the “who you know not what you know” thing, they will probably let you off the hook and change the subject to something they know. After all, they might have just been asking “what are you up to” to be polite. They’d actually rather talk about something that they know, instead of feeling ignorant to what Broadway really is and whether or not it’s the same thing as that Times Square place.

If a close friend asks you “what are you up to”: Try and recall the last time a close friend did this. Most of the time, close friends respect the question asking process and avoid traveling down that road that they also don’t want to travel down. If you are a close friend of someone who is an actor and you find yourself asking them this question a lot, consider cutting it out of your vocabulary. We hate it, and we don’t want to hate you for asking it.

If your mother asks you “what are you up to”: Tell her you miss her and you love her. Don’t hate her for asking. She’s asking because she wants to support you and be there for you.

The Third Agreement

Don Miguel Ruiz says: Don’t make assumptions.

Trusty says: Seriously, ditto.

Don’t assume the girl across the holding room is looking at you with disgust. She might simply be picking blueberry seeds out of her teeth with her tongue.

Don’t assume the casting team will only be thinking about Chipotle if your audition is at 11:30. They might have had a big breakfast and are very intent on listening to you.

Don’t assume the dance call will be easy just because it’s non-Equity. Ever.

Don’t assume you won’t get a callback just because a casting intern is in the room for the EPA.

Don’t assume that the director is over it. Don’t assume the director hates you. Don’t assume the director thinks you’re too fat just because your birthday was yesterday and you feel like you look like the chocolate cake you treated yourself to. Don’t assume the choreographer wants you to fall out of your double pirouette. Don’t assume the accompanist can play obscure shit, unless it’s Joshua Zecher-Ross behind the piano. Don’t assume.

Don’t assume.

Don’t assume. Go in, like we talked about last week, fully respecting the people behind the table. Go in with no expections, no assumptions, no doubts at all. Go in there to do your best and be yourself, nothing more, nothing less.

The Fourth Agreement

Don Miguel Ruiz: Always do your best.

Trusty says: Always do your best.

It’s audition season. It’s cold. It’s exhausting. It’s a lot of things. But it’s also an awesome time of year. It’s not December, and it’s not July. There are auditions and opportunities and people to meet every single day from here until the end of April, at least. So listen, if you’re not honest with yourself today, or you flipped on your mom because she asked you how your audition went, forgive yourself. It’s today. Tomorrow is a new day. Do your best today. Your best today might be different than your best yesterday and it might be different than your best tomorrow, so focus on doing your best today. I know you work tonight, but for the next half hour, you’re dancing for Gerry McIntyre so honey, focus on this half hour and enjoy yourself! He’s teaching you soft-boiled egg hands – enjoy this moment brought to you by Gerry McIntyre yourself. If you don’t know who Gerry McIntyre is, get off Facebook this instant and google him. Don’t beat yourself up for not knowing, just do something about it instead. Do your best.

Nobody’s perfect. Nobody’s doing it all right, all the time. And this year, remember that. You’re up against thousands of other performers, yes. There aren’t enough jobs to go around, I know. But none of those performers are perfect. Nor are the jobs. They’re all just doing their best too – and their best, is different than your best. You are the only person who is best at being you. So rejoice in that, and rejoice in the authenticity you find this season as you bring more honesty into your life.

The Johnny Agreement

Johnny says: Do not make decisions based on fear. Make decisions based on love.

Trusty says: Johnny’s right. Again.

Johnny (who is my boyfriend, by the way) reminds me of this when I have pitfalls along the way. He’s always right.

Fear is an ugly character in our personal stories. If Fear is the antagonist, make yourself the leading lady who knocks out Fear with your stilettos. If Fear is the bad guy, make yourself the dashing prince who crushes Fear to a pulp with one, good, stage combat punch.

We did not choose an easy career path. We did not choose the most lucrative career path. We chose this journey of ours out of love for all things music, all things dance, all things comedy, all things beautiful and creative and moving.

Remember to continue making choices and decisions based on love. Our love of art is what got us here. Let the love continue to carry us through our daily lives as we bring honesty and authenticity to everything we do

“We have to choose life. Choose risk. Choose love. The only safe place for our hearts is to dive deeply into magnificent, eternal, ridiculous, overhelming love. Really, do you have an option? How is that life of fearful control working for you? Better to ask, how it working for those who have to live with your fearful control? Come and be free in the love.” – Stasi Eldredge, Becoming Myself

I can’t elaborate much more. Just think on this one, The Johnny Agreement. It’s not really his agreement by the way – he’s just sharing it because he’s learned it in his own personal experience. It’s a learning experience we will all continue to have for the rest of our lives. Better to consider embarking on the journey now, rather than waiting until fear has completely overtaken us.

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This week’s post has been spiritual, I admit. But isn’t audition season sort of spiritual in a way? We have to keep the faith that it will all work out the way it’s supposed to. Faith that our hard work will pay off. Faith that our karma will come back one day. Faith in ourselves.

I hope this helps in the next few weeks. I wish you faith, love, and freedom this week.

Much aloha,

Trusty

PS: Mahalo to those of you who submitted pictures and videos to Roar Part 2. I’ve received pictures from brave breast cancer survivers, women with C-section scars, men who think they are too skinny, and things that moved me beyond words. I couldn’t be more humbled, and inspired by all of you. You are all so much braver than you give yourselves credit for. It’s truly amazing. In order to proceed, we need about forty more submissions. Please consider contributing this week so we can move forward with this amazing, inspiring project.


I’m Just A Size-10-Sometimes-Size-8-Used-To-Be-A-Size-4 Broadway Baby

After my first date with my ex-boyfriend, I went home and ate an entire 13oz jar of Nutella because he didn’t kiss me when we said goodnight.

The jar wasn’t even mine. That was last August.

In high school, there were these chocolate chip cookies the size of paper plates that they sold in the cafe for $1.50. We always chopped them up with a fork and poured chocolate milk on them. On certain days, I sat with the cheerleaders who dated seniors. I would shovel my cookie into my mouth at 57 miles per hour and then finish everyone else’s off as they picked at their nachos with their square acrylic nails and talked about the first time they had sex on birth control. I was 17.

When I went to prom as a sophomore, I ate exactly two and a half saltines and three noodles all day. I felt so proud that I got by on such little food all day. You see, there was a pool at the after party and I had a black and white bikini that only looked good from about 9am-10am before I had breakfast. So I knew I did good with my eating choices that day if I wanted to go swimming at 11pm that night. I was a size 4. That was 2003.

In my lifetime, I have gained and lost over 650 pounds. When you add losses and gains of five, ten, twenty, thirty-two pounds over the course of ten years, you end up with a three digit number such as that. For real.

Here’s the thing though. If I was a second grade teacher, maybe that weight fluctuation would be less noticeable. In a corporate office setting, having a closet stocked with six different sizes of blouses and pencil skirts wouldn’t be so terrible. It would be more acceptable to jump from 148 lbs to 165 lbs in ten days if I was a waitress. Or a stay-at-home mom. Or a novelist.

But I’m a performer. So it’s a huge fucking problem.

Moreover, I’m just one of the thousands of women who have moved to New York City to pursue a dream of performing for a living. And there’s a lot more of us with weight issues and eating fears than you think. And no one’s talking about it.

There are books written on eating disorders that have literally saved my life. There are blogs with quotes about beauty no matter what size you are. There are men who love curvy women. Thank goodness.

But there are also costumes already sewn to fit a size 4 for the next replacement for Nice Work If You Can Get It. There are camera angles that will add not just ten, but fifteen pounds. And there huge consequences for gaining weight in this business.

All of a sudden, we are staying home from White Christmas dance calls that we know by heart because we are fifteen pounds heavier than the last time we danced for famous tap choreographer, Randy Skinner. All of a sudden, we are taking the rejection of our business home with us. Into bed. Into our relationships. Into our heads. Letting it take a permanent position in our lives. And we are allowing what we do for a living to define our version of beauty, acceptance, and health.

So maybe it’s time to talk about it. Maybe it’s time to figure out how to live a healthy, happy life while still pursuing the hardest job path we possibly could have picked. After all, like my best friend Melissa says, “we are the idiots who made our hobbies into our careers.”

PAUSE. I just need to take a second to shout out to my readers who have nothing to do with the performing arts. Listen. You’ll still relate to a lot of the shit I have to share. Dancers and singers aren’t the only bingers out there. You’re welcome here too. Just, BYOB. I’ll provide snacks and stories.

I can’t tell you that I’ve found the answers yet. But in my own self-guided therapy, I’ve learned that empathy is a priceless thing. So while I continue my journey to overcoming a food addiction, maybe I can share with you that you’re not alone when you skip the gym to eat a Domino’s pizza because no one’s home to judge you while you stand at the kitchen sink and devour all eight pieces before your roommate comes home and sees you. Maybe I can share with you how I figured out how to stop hating myself for doing that. Or more importantly, how we can stop hating ourselves for WANTING to do that.

Maybe you just want to read that you’re not the only one that wants to punch a non-industry friend in the face who chooses to remind you that “in any other business, being a size 10 is perfectly acceptable.”

You’re not in any other business. So that’s not helpful.

Maybe you want to know that someone else also finds it infuriating that our healthy, nutritionist friends want to preach about GMO’s when some of us can barely make it through our day without eating the entire bag of dorito’s in your roommate’s cabinet.

Friend, I cannot focus on how bad soy lecithin is for me when I have one week to lose the seven pounds I gained after I stress-ate during the Merry-Go-Round callbacks.

Maybe you need to be reminded that just because you didn’t have a “fucked up childhood” doesn’t mean your parents didn’t influence your body image, eating patterns, or self-esteem.

Just because my parents are still happily married does not mean that they didn’t embarrass me when I ate fried chicken in front of my twelfth grade boyfriend.

Maybe you just need to know that there’s more than three of us in this business who CAN’T eat whatever we want and still be able to wear a two piece to the Chicago audition.

Also, how do we get over hating those who can eat a bagel before doing “All That Jazz” for the casting intern for Chicago.

Because I know that up until now, I didn’t have anything like that to help me, and I sure as hell could have used it for the past ten years.

So I think the best way to help us right now — and I say “us” because we are all in this together — is to put all the ugly, dirty stuff out there on a blog so you know you’re not alone. For once, in this very competitive business, there is no competition here: a whole lot of us have issues with our eating habits. Everyone has their shit.

And I don’t know about you, but I am exhausted from all of this waiting. Waiting until I’m the perfect “Broadway-size” to start living my life. I don’t even know what that size is.

Last summer, I left one of my dearest friend’s ballroom dance competition in New Jersey three hours early so that I could come back to an empty apartment and order two burgers and two milkshakes from BareBurger to binge before anyone got home.

I don’t want to miss out on living my life anymore because of the way food has taken over it.

If you can relate, this is the safe place you can come for some real talk. Maybe some advice. Maybe some suggestions. Maybe a story that is so hideously embarrassing but so similar to one you have that you’ll realize you’re not alone.

Someone has to start talking about it. So here we fucking go y’all.